“If It Were Me…”: 5 Lessons I Learned About Expectations, Empathy, and Letting Go

I used to believe that people would naturally understand me—that if I showed up with honesty and kindness, they’d respond the same way.

I expected that others would think, feel, or act like I would in the same situation.

But life doesn’t work like a mirror.

Over time, I realised that the expectations I placed on others were quietly breaking me. Especially when conversations began with two phrases that always seemed to sting:

“If it were me…”“I just don’t understand how someone could…”

At first, I took those words to heart. They felt like judgement disguised as concern. I’d twist myself in knots trying to explain, defend, or prove why my way of feeling or responding made sense. And still, I’d feel unseen.

But eventually, I began to notice something deeper. Every time someone (myself included) started with “If it were me…” or “I just don’t understand…”, it wasn’t really about understanding.

It was about centring themselves, about trying to fit someone else’s reality into their own logic. And that always left empathy out of the room.

Through my own inner work—and countless deep, vulnerable conversations with clients—I learned some powerful lessons about expectations, empathy, and the freedom that comes when we finally let go.

1. Everyone Wears Their Own Prescription Glasses

One of the biggest shifts I’ve had is understanding that we all see the world through different lenses.

Like metaphorical prescription glasses, shaped by our upbringing, past experiences, values, traumas, and how our brains are wired.

What seems obvious to you might be completely foreign to someone else. And that’s not because they’re being difficult—it’s because they’re living through their lens, not yours.

The brain works in a predictive way, not just reactive. We don’t experience reality as it is—we experience it as we expect it to be, based on our story.

That means every reaction, every misunderstanding, is filtered through what we already believe to be true.

So when someone says, “I don’t understand how someone could do that,” what they often mean is, “That doesn’t fit into my worldview, and I don’t want to consider that it could.” Empathy gets blocked the moment we assume our way is the only way.

True empathy means being willing to take off your own glasses and try on someone else’s—even if their view makes you uncomfortable.

2. “If It Were Me” Usually Isn’t About You at All

That phrase sounds like it’s about compassion, but most of the time it’s about comparison.

“If it were me, I would have handled it differently.”

“If it were me, I’d have seen this coming.”

“If it were me, I’d never let someone treat me like that.”

These statements are rarely helpful, because they shift the focus away from the person who’s struggling and place the spotlight on the speaker. It becomes about what they would’ve done instead of holding space for what you did or felt.

Empathy doesn’t start with “if it were me.” It starts with “tell me what it was like for you.”That’s where connection lives. That’s where healing begins.

3. “I Don’t Understand” Can Be a Wall, Not a Bridge

When someone says, “I just don’t understand how someone could…” it can feel like a dismissal, even when it’s not meant to be. It puts up a wall and suggests that your experience doesn’t make sense—when in fact, it might just not make sense to them.

This phrase can easily shut down vulnerability. Especially if it’s said without a follow-up like,

“Can you help me understand?” or “I’d like to see it from your side.”

It’s okay to not understand. We’re not supposed to get everything. But it’s also okay to say, “I don’t understand right now—but I’m open to trying.” That’s how we build bridges instead of walls.

4. You Can’t Teach Empathy Through Expectation

There was a time I believed that if I showed up fully for someone—kind, available, thoughtful—they’d naturally meet me in the same way. Especially in my work with clients. I used to think, “Because I want this transformation so badly for them, they’ll get there. I’ll make sure of it.”

But I learned the hard way: you’re only ever 50% of the equation in any relationship.

You can give 100% of your 50%, but the rest is not up to you. That applies to friendships, family, romantic partnerships—and yes, even coaching relationships.

Expecting someone to meet you with the same emotional language, availability, or effort just because you do will lead to burnout and heartbreak.

People choose empathy. You can’t force it into them. And when you stop expecting them to, you finally set yourself free.

5. Freedom Begins Where Expectations End

Letting go of the idea that people “should just know” how to treat you, respond to you, or support you was one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done.

It meant learning to speak clearly, ask directly, and let people show me who they really are—without jumping to fill in the gaps.

And when they couldn’t meet me where I hoped? I learned to grieve that. To release the disappointment instead of clinging to the fantasy of who I wanted them to be.

This doesn’t mean you stop caring. It just means you stop carrying the emotional weight that was never yours to hold.

Closing Reflection

I still believe in kindness and connection—but now I release the weight of unspoken expectations. I ask. I explain. I listen. And I don’t expect people to respond like I would anymore.

Because people aren’t versions of me—they’re just themselves, doing the best they can through their own lens. And sometimes, that has to be enough.