Most of us grew up without being taught how to truly handle our emotions.
Our parents, bless them, thought the best way to help was to downplay our pain: “Don’t cry, you’re fine!” or “It’s not that bad!” While their intentions were good—after all, they just wanted us to feel better—the unintended consequence was huge.
We learned to stuff our feelings down and slap on a brave face, thinking that being "good" meant being quiet, calm, and composed, no matter what was bubbling under the surface.
Slowly, we became experts at suppressing emotions, convincing ourselves they didn’t matter—or worse, that they were something to be ashamed of.
The Dangerous Message Beneath
Here’s the tricky bit: when your emotions aren’t validated, it sends a subtle, yet powerful, message—your feelings, and by extension, you, aren’t all that important.
It’s not something parents ever say outright, but the underlying tone gets internalised.
You start to think, “If expressing how I feel gets brushed aside, then maybe I’m too much, or maybe I’m not enough. Maybe the only way to be loved is to work harder, be better, or fit into what everyone else wants.”
So, instead of learning to process emotions in a healthy way, you learn to chase external validation: getting the grades, landing the job, earning the praise.
You start believing your worth is tied to what you do—not who you are.
The Fallout
This mindset creates an exhausting cycle.
You're constantly striving to meet an invisible standard of "good enough" while ignoring or minimising your authentic self.
Over time, it becomes harder to even know what you’re feeling, let alone express it. It’s like living on autopilot—doing all the “right” things but feeling disconnected and unsatisfied underneath it all.
And it doesn’t stop there. When your own feelings have been dismissed for years, it becomes incredibly hard to validate others.
Without even realising it, you might start brushing off your partner’s stress or telling your kids to “just get over it.” It’s not out of malice—it’s what you’ve been taught.
Breaking the Cycle
The good news? It’s never too late to change this.
Once you start recognising this pattern, you can unlearn it. You can begin by validating your own feelings, even the uncomfortable ones.
It might sound simple, but saying, “Hey, it’s okay to feel this way,” can be revolutionary.
Because when you finally give yourself permission to feel, you also create space for others to do the same. And that’s how we move from generations of emotional suppression to a culture where feelings are valued, voices are heard, and authenticity shines through.
So, let’s unpack this a bit more—because understanding this dynamic is the first step to freeing yourself from it.
Why It Hurts When Feelings Aren’t Validated
When your emotions get dismissed or brushed aside, a few things happen:
1. You Separate From the Real You
It starts subtly. Maybe someone told you to “toughen up” when you were upset, or a parent said, “Stop crying—it’s not a big deal.”
Over time, the message sinks in: Who I really am—my emotions, my needs, my quirks—just isn’t good enough.
So, what do you do? You start adapting. You hide the messy, vulnerable, authentic parts of yourself and try to become what you think others want to see. Maybe you become:
The High Achiever: You think, If I just work harder, accomplish more, or be the best, then I’ll be loved and respected.
The Fixer: You take on everyone else’s problems, thinking, If I can fix everything for them, maybe they’ll value me.
The People-Pleaser: You prioritise making others happy, even at the cost of your own needs, telling yourself, If I don’t rock the boat, they’ll like me.
And here’s the thing: this “performance” works—for a while. You might even get validation or praise for being “so helpful,” “so capable,” or “so easygoing.” But deep down, it doesn’t feel real.
Why? Because you’re not being celebrated for you. You’re being celebrated for the mask you’re wearing.
The Cost of Hiding Yourself
Over time, this separation from your true self comes at a price. You start to lose touch with who you really are—your passions, your needs, your feelings.
You might even feel a low-level sadness or emptiness, like something’s missing. That “something” is you.
And because you’ve learned to push down your emotions, you may also struggle to validate others.
Instead of showing compassion, you might judge or criticise, thinking, If I have to keep it together, why can’t they? It’s a defence mechanism—a way to justify the distance you’ve created within yourself.
But here’s the truth: you don’t need to be anything other than yourself to be loved. Who you are—your real, unfiltered, beautifully imperfect self—is enough. Always has been, always will be.
2. You Turn Into Your Own Worst Critic
When you grow up with your emotions dismissed or judged, you start doing the same thing to yourself. You internalise that voice:
“Why are you so sensitive?”
“Why can’t you just get over it?”
“You should be better at this by now.”
And soon, that harsh inner critic becomes your constant companion.
Instead of validating how you feel, you’re tearing yourself apart for even having feelings in the first place.
But it doesn’t stop there.
Since you’ve been conditioned to judge yourself, that habit doesn’t stay neatly contained within your own mind. It spills out, shaping how you view and treat others.
You often can’t help but project that same harshness outward, even if you don’t realise it.
Think about it: when you’ve been trained to measure yourself against impossible standards, it becomes second nature to measure others the same way.
You might find yourself picking apart someone else’s choices, appearance, or actions, not because you want to hurt them, but because you’ve internalised the belief that nothing and no one is ever truly good enough.
How This Projection Plays Out
You judge others for showing the emotions you suppress.
If you’ve learned to stuff down your sadness, anger, or vulnerability, seeing someone else express those feelings might make you uncomfortable.
You might think, “Why are they making such a big deal out of this?” when, in reality, it’s your own unvalidated emotions surfacing in disguise.
You criticise others for the flaws you fear in yourself.
Maybe you’re quick to call out someone for being “lazy,” “too sensitive,” or “not ambitious enough”—but if you pause, you’ll realise those are the exact criticisms you hurl at yourself.
The judgments you project are often mirrors of your own deepest insecurities.
You nitpick to feel a sense of control.
When you’re overly hard on yourself, it creates this constant undercurrent of chaos in your mind.
Judging others can feel like a way to regain control. It’s as if pointing out their “flaws” makes yours feel less glaring. Spoiler: it doesn’t work.
Why We Do This?
At its core, this projection isn’t about cruelty—it’s about survival. You’ve learned to equate criticism with improvement. If I’m hard on myself (or others), maybe I can fix it.
But here’s the thing: people don’t grow through judgment. They grow through validation, compassion, and understanding.
When you criticise others, what you’re really doing is trying to make sense of your own pain.
It’s as if by holding others to the same impossible standards you hold yourself to, you’re seeking some weird form of justice: If I have to carry this burden, so should everyone else.
The Consequences of Projection
This cycle creates walls instead of bridges. It pushes people away—friends, partners, colleagues—because nobody thrives in an environment of constant critique.
Worse, it deepens the disconnection from your authentic self. The more you criticise others, the more you reinforce the belief that love and acceptance are conditional—something to be earned rather than freely given.
But here’s the lightbulb moment: when you stop judging yourself, the need to judge others melts away too.
When you start validating your own emotions, flaws, and quirks, you suddenly have the capacity to hold space for others to be human as well.
It’s a game-changer, not just for your relationships but for your own inner peace.
The world doesn’t need more criticism—it needs more compassion. And that starts with you.
3. The Media Is a Master at Playing on Insecurities
Ever notice how ads and social media seem to have this sneaky ability to make you feel like you’re not quite measuring up?
That’s not by accident—it’s their entire strategy.
The media thrives on your insecurities. If you already believe you’re not good enough, you’re far more likely to think that this car, this diet plan, or this miracle skincare routine will finally fill that gap and make you whole.
They prey on that little voice in your head that says:
“If I just lose the weight…”
“If I just get that promotion…”
“If I just look like her…”
It’s a carefully orchestrated trick to convince you that you’re missing something—something they can conveniently sell to you.
The Subtle (and Not-So-Subtle) Messaging
Think about it: how often do you see ads that actually celebrate who you are right now?
Rarely, if ever. Instead, the messaging is loud and clear:
“You’re not skinny enough.”
“You’re not young enough.”
“You’re not successful enough.”
“You’re not enough, period—unless you buy this.”
From photoshopped models to overly curated Instagram feeds, the goal is to keep you chasing an ideal that doesn’t even exist.
Why? Because as long as you’re chasing, you’re buying.
The Cycle of "Not Enoughness"
The worst part? The media feeds right into the insecurities we’ve already internalised from growing up without emotional validation.
It amplifies that belief that we’re somehow broken or need fixing.
And because we’ve been trained to judge ourselves, we often project that judgment onto others too. We look at someone else’s highlight reel and think:
“They’ve got it all together—why can’t I?”
Or worse: “At least I’m not as bad as them.”
It’s a vicious cycle. The more we buy into these messages, the further we drift from the truth: that we’ve been good enough all along.
So, What Can You Do About It?
The first step to breaking free from the media’s grip is awareness.
When you catch yourself feeling inadequate because of something you’ve seen, pause and ask:
“Who benefits from me feeling this way?”
“Is this really about me, or are they just trying to sell me something?”
Then take back your power:
Curate Your Feed: Unfollow accounts that make you feel less-than and fill your feed with real, empowering, and uplifting content.
Call Out the Lies: Remind yourself that no product, job, or look will “fix” you—because you’re not broken.
Reconnect With What’s Real: Spend time with people who value you for who you are, not for what you have.
Here’s the reality: the media wants you to keep chasing, but you don’t have to play their game.
You don’t need the car, the bag, or the “perfect” body to be worthy. You’re already enough—and you always have been.
The Fallout: Self-Criticism and Low Self-Esteem
This whole cycle isn’t just exhausting—it’s downright damaging.
It creates a painful separation between who you truly are and who you think you need to be to feel accepted or loved.
Over time, you stop believing that you’re enough just as you are.
Instead, your self-worth becomes tied to impossible standards—standards you can never quite meet.
It’s like carrying around a scorecard where you’re always marking yourself down.
You start thinking, “If only I could be smarter, thinner, richer, or more accomplished, then I’d finally feel worthy.”
But no matter how hard you try, the finish line keeps moving, and that sense of “enoughness” always feels out of reach.
The Domino Effect: From Self to Others
And here’s the kicker—when we’re hard on ourselves, we struggle to show kindness and compassion to others.
It’s as if our inner critic gets so loud that it starts speaking for us in every interaction. You might find yourself nitpicking a friend, criticising a partner, or silently judging a stranger for things you’d never say out loud.
Why? Because when you don’t feel validated or worthy, it’s easy to project that same harshness onto others.
It’s almost instinctive to think, “Well, if I’m not good enough, why should anyone else be?” It’s not about malice—it’s about survival, trying to level the playing field in a world where you feel like you’re falling short.
Ever noticed how people who constantly criticise others often seem miserable themselves?
That’s no coincidence. Their inner world is likely full of judgment, self-doubt, and insecurity, which spills over into how they treat those around them.
The more we judge ourselves, the more we judge others—and the more we keep this toxic cycle of invalidation alive.
How This Cycle Hurts Everyone
This endless loop doesn’t just harm your relationship with yourself; it erodes your connections with others too.
Judging and criticising creates distance instead of closeness. It makes people feel small, defensive, or misunderstood.
And on the flip side, when you’re the one dishing out criticism, it often leaves you feeling isolated and dissatisfied, even if you don’t realise why.
But the truth is, this cycle can be broken. It starts with learning to give yourself the validation and compassion you’ve been craving.
When you learn to be kinder to yourself, something amazing happens—you begin to see others through a lens of kindness too.
Instead of competing or criticising, you create space for connection, understanding, and growth.
And here’s the good news: this shift isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress.
Every small step towards self-acceptance makes a massive difference—not just for you but for everyone you interact with.
So, How Do We Break the Cycle?
You can start shifting this dynamic today. Here’s how to validate your feelings (and others’) so you can ditch the self-doubt and feel more you.
1. Let Yourself Feel All the Feels
When an emotion comes up—whether it’s sadness, anger, or frustration—don’t push it away. Instead, try saying:
“This is how I feel right now, and that’s okay.” It sounds simple, but trust me, it’s a game-changer.
2. Stop Trying to Fix Everything
Not every problem needs a solution (wild, right?). Sometimes, you just need to be. Next time you’re upset, ask yourself:
“What do I need right now?” And if someone else is venting to you? Just listen. A simple “That sounds tough. I’m here for you” goes a long way.
3. Talk to Yourself Like You’d Talk to a Friend
Imagine your best mate tells you they’re feeling rubbish. You wouldn’t say, “Ugh, you’re such a failure.” So why say it to yourself? Try swapping harsh thoughts for kind ones, like:
“I’m having a hard time, but I’m doing my best.”
4. Call Out the Media BS
Next time an ad or social post makes you feel less-than, ask yourself:
“Is this making me feel bad so I’ll buy something?” Unfollow accounts that drain you and fill your feed with people and brands that inspire self-love and authenticity.
5. Validate Others’ Feelings Too
When someone shares their emotions, don’t dismiss them. Instead, say:
“That sounds hard. How can I support you?” Validating others helps you practise doing the same for yourself.
Building Self-Esteem (One Small Step at a Time)
When you start validating your feelings, something magical happens: you reconnect with the real you.
The you that doesn’t need to prove anything. The you that’s already worthy, just as you are.
Remember:
Your emotions aren’t a problem to be fixed—they’re just part of being human.
Self-compassion isn’t indulgent; it’s necessary.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to embrace your authentic self.
Ready to Start?
Here’s a little challenge for you:
Think of one emotion you’ve been brushing aside lately.
Take five minutes today to sit with it, acknowledge it, and remind yourself:
“It’s okay to feel this. It doesn’t make me weak or unworthy.”
You’ve got this. You’re already enough—exactly as you are.
Now’s the time to embrace your feelings, validate your experiences, and reconnect with who you truly are.
Because here’s the truth: the world doesn’t need a “perfect” version of you—it needs you.
Your messy, brilliant, authentic self is more than enough, and when you start showing up as that person, you inspire others to do the same.
So, take a breath, let go of the judgment (for yourself and others), and start building a life rooted in self-compassion and authenticity.
It’s not about fixing yourself—you’re not broken. It’s about remembering that you’ve always been worthy, just as you are.
Let’s rewrite the story. The world’s waiting for the real you.
Ready to start reconnecting with your true self and breaking free from the cycle of self-doubt and judgment? Let’s do it together.
Explore how coaching or hypnosis can help you validate your feelings, build unshakable self-esteem, and create a life where you feel truly you.
Book a Free Discovery Call and let’s make it happen!
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